Suffer in Silence
by MisfitCarter
Summary: Aki has always suffered in silence after the death of her brother, Kaien. She has always put up a strong front and fought to become the strongest to protect those from what she had went through. But, when Renji manages to break through her strong front on the anniversary of her brother's death, Aki no longer has to suffer in silence.


_My eyes were wide in shock at the events that had just transpired. The rain beat against me as it fell from the sky in buckets. A single tear fell down my cheek, mixing with the rain and blood, before more came after. _

_My big brother, who I looked up to and always saw as a father figure, was leaning against me. His body had gone limp as his weight was held by that of my sword as it rested in the center of his chest. Blood pooled around my hands as it poured out the wound. The warmth of if feeling cold against me. _

"_K-Kaien?" I choked out through my tears. "Why?" I asked. "Why did you-"_

_His hand, reaching up and caressing my back, cut me off. "T-Thank you, Aki," he whispered in a coarse voice as blood dribbled down the side of his chin and onto my exposed shoulder. "I'm s-so sorry, that I did this. It has t-to be so h-hard for you. B-But, you s-saved me, little s-sister." _

_My lifeless eyes, the ones that looked so much like my brother's, were still wide. The tears continued to flow and I felt Kaien's body shudder. I knew that his last moment was just about to take him from me forever, and it was all my fault. _

"_I know now," he continued. "That I-I can leave my h-heart with you." And with that, I felt Kaien –my brother, my hero, mentor, and best friend- take his last breath. _

_My body, shaking from the pain and fear, began to spasm violently. The tears that flowed began to pour down my cheeks, mixing with the rain and clotting with the dry blood on my cheek. My brother's blood. _

_I closed my eyes tightly and removed my sword from my brother's body. The sound of blood flowing freely from the open wound making me want to cry out, but I kept silent. I then lay my beloved brother's body on the ground. _

_His eyes were dull and lifeless, yet his face was peaceful and serene. I pressed my hand to the wound, desperately trying to stop the blood and save Kaien, but it was useless. I knew that he was already gone, yet I still tried to save him. _

_Jushiro had come up behind me, after having watched the scene, and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Aki," he said calmly. But I continued to ignore him and grew frantic with trying to save my brother. "He's gone, Aki." _

"_No," I choked out. "He can't be. I need him!" I yelled. I then felt Jushiro grab my shoulders and try to wrench me away from Kaien's cold body. "No!" I bellowed. "I can't leave him!" The white haired captain just held me tighter. "NO! KAIEN!" _

I jolted awake with a start. The nightmare of what I had done that night had never left my memory and continued to haunt me. That night changed me. Not into a cold person like Byakuya Kuchiki, but, into someone who hides her pain and tears.

I sighed heavily as I ran a hand through my long, black hair and got out of bed. My bare feet hit the cold floor of my room and I shuddered before making my way into my bathroom.

After throwing off my clothes that I had worn to bed, I turned on the hot water in my shower and stepped in. The cool water felt nice against my flushed skin as I let it cascade down my body. The nightmare that always sat in the back of my mind, had been pushed away for the time being.

Once done with my shower, I dried myself off and wrapped my hair in a towel. I made my way back into my room and grabbed my uniform and undergarments. I then dropped the towel and dressed myself.

My uniform consisted of a black halter top fashioned shihakushou with a white, form fitting, strapless tank top underneath and a pair of traditional hakamas. On my feet were a pair or black flats and around my waist was a traditional white obi sash that was tied into a small bow in the back.

After dressing myself, I let my hair out of the towel that was wrapped around it and walked back into the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and brushed out my long, black hair with my fingers until it was dry. I then made my way into my living area and grabbed my sword before slipping it into place at my left hip and making my way out of my living quarters.

As I made my way to my barracks, I looked up to the sky just as the sun began its ascent. The oranges and reds making the sky shine and the blue of the night dissipate. The hues of bright blue peeking out through the reds of the sunlight.

I closed my eyes and basked in the warmth of it. Remembering all of the times that Kaien would wake me just as the sun rose and made me watch the sunrise with him and Miyako, his wife.

I shook away that pleasant memory and continued on my way to my barracks, hoping that someone would be awake by now. Hoping to get my mind off of things and hoping to find a way to distract from the memory of what had happened all those years ago today.

Just then, the sound of childish giggling made me turn into the direction in which it came from. I stood for a moment, hoping to sense the rieatsu of who it may be coming from. A smile then formed on my face as I recognized who it was and what she was trying to do.

I shook my head with a smile on my face as the wind gently blew my hair to the side. I kept walking, pretending that I didn't notice the pink haired girl that was following me. However, as I turned the corner, I ran into someone and almost fell backwards. But the person I had run into shot their hand out and grabbed my wrist before pulling me forward to keep me erect.

I raised my head caught a shock of red hair before coming face to face with Renji Abarai. His amber orbs locked onto my blue green ones and he smirked. I opened my mouth to thank my friend –who I had huge crush on- but was cut off by a blur of pink hair.

I flew to the side and laughed out loud at the sight of Yachiru laying on my lap, upside down, with a huge grin on her face. "I got you this time, Ki-chan!" she said happily before jumping up and standing next to me.

I kept the smile on my face as I replied with, "Yes you did, Yachiru." I then leaned my weight onto my elbows as I went to stand, but Renji's hand was thrust into my face. I looked up at him and he smiled as I took his hand.

As he pulled me up, he pulled too hard on my hand causing me to fall into him. A blush formed on my cheeks as my head landed gently against his chest, my free hand landing on his stomach. My blush intensified as his free hand landed on my hip and continued to hold my other hand.

We stood for a moment, neither of us sure what to make of the situation. The warmth of Renji's body was comforting and his body was firm an inviting. From my position with my head against his chest, I could hear his beat begin to pick up slightly and flutter, much like mine.

"Pineapple head is blushing!" Yachiru yelled loudly. And with that, Renji and I quickly pulled away from one another, both of us with cheeks as red as his hair.

"Thank you," I said as I looked at the red head in front of me.

He looked to the side as he scratched his cheek, trying to hide the blush. "No problem, Aki." I smiled at him, and he smiled back. "What are you doing up this early anyway?" he asked. "It's your day off."

I looked down to the ground, hoping to hide my sad eyes and somber expression. "Couldn't go back to sleep," I answered in a sad voice. I then quickly turned on my heel and made my way to the 11th division with Yachiru on my heels. "Thanks again," I said over my shoulder.

Renji had a quizzical look on his face as I left him behind me. "Alright then," he said as I continued to walk.

Yachiru was surprisingly quiet as I walked, her having jumped onto my shoulder. I looked ahead of me with empty eyes and a straight face. Today was going to be hard for me. It always was.

Finally, Yachiru and I had made it to our division. She jumped from my shoulder and ran into the captain's office. I smiled to myself as I followed after her, hoping that Kenpachi would be up for a fight so early in the morning.

Once I made it to the office of my captain, Kenpachi Zaraki, said man was sitting at his desk with his feet propped up as he leaned back in the chair. "Still being a lazy ass and not doing your paperwork, captain?" I asked with a smirk as I leaned against the doorway and crossed my arms.

The large man with spiky hair smirked back at me before saying, "Of course." I laughed as I made my way into the office and stood in front of my captain. Being the fourth seat, and one of the strongest shinigami in the Soul Society, I could do and say as I wished when it came to Kenpachi.

We had a mutual understanding of one another. We both loved to fight and had extensive amounts of power. We didn't take too kindly to authority, and though we both come off as hard and heartless, we both cared deeply for those around us. We didn't care about power or getting stronger, we just cared about being strong enough as we were.

"What're you doin' in here, Aki?" he asked in all seriousness. He knew that I loved my days off and that I hated to coming to work at such an early and ungodly hour. "It's your day off."

I just frowned and asked, "Did you forget what today is Kenpachi?" He looked to the calendar behind him before looking back to me with a frown. "I came in to ask if you were up for a little workout," I said with a smirk.

The large man in front of me smirked in return before standing up. "Hell yeah, kid!" he answered in excitement as he towered over me.

I laughed to myself before flash stepping to the training grounds, Kenpachi, with Yachiru on his shoulder, followed me. The small girl jumped from Kenpachi's shoulder while yelling, "Kenny's gonna play with Ki-chan!"

I unsheathed my zonpacutou, Arashi Ryuu, and smiled. The beautiful weapon in my hand was also my best friend. The spirit that lay within my sword was kind and loving, but had a strong will and never gave up when it came down to a fight, just like me.

The blade was long and pointed and ran up to a midnight blue guard that was shaped in a circle with a silver chain that wrapped around it. The hilt was grey with midnight blue and bright silver cloth around it and a long chain that came from the back of it with a dragon's tooth that was used for distance fighting.

Kenpachi drew his ragged sword from its sheath and continued to smirk at me. We then both got into position, before Kenpachi charged at me head on. I, of course, saw this coming and moved to left just as he thrust his sword at me. I then jumped up and kicked him with such force that he flew back and into the wall that guarded our training grounds.

The huge captain laughed like a mad man as the dust settled around him. He then removed himself from the large crater in the wall that had been caused by him, and pointed his sword at me while saying, "You always have been a challenge, Aki Shiba!"

He then came at me with incredible speed. His sword slashed at me, but I moved quickly, flash stepping behind him just as he cut my cheek. The blood immediately pooled out of the wound and I rubbed it away with the back of my hand.

By now, Kenpachi and I had drawn a small crowd from our division. But, as we continued on, the crowd grew larger. Shinigami from other divisions had made their way to ours to watch the fight as it raged on. Jushiro and Shunsui had even come to watch as well as Renji, Rangiku, and Rukia.

After about three hours, Kenpachi and I were both breathing heavily. We were both bruised, dirty, and covered in blood. The training grounds had been demolished and holes were scattered throughout the walls and ground.

I brought my hand up and wiped some blood from the corner of my mouth. I smirked at my captain as he stood up from the dust. He then ran at me with a maniacal grin on his face while yelling, "We're not done yet, kid!"

I brought my sword up in front of me and blocked his attack, both of us sliding away a few feet from the other due to the force behind the attack and block. "Never," I huffed.

We continued on like this for a few more hours; kicking, cutting, blocking, punching, fighting. The sun was high in the sky by now signaling that it was about noon. Kenpachi and I were both worn out and injured.

I sheathed my sword first, Kenpachi following. Just like every year on this day, we would fight early in the morning, right after the sun rose, for hours until noon. It was an unspoken agreement that we had. If one of us did not go unconscious before then, we would stop the fight at noon. He knew, just as well as I did, that it was around this time that it began all those years ago. And he knew that I needed to mourn still.

After sheathing our swords, Kenpachi made his way over to me and placed a large hand on my shoulder. He looked down at me with understanding eyes and I smiled. "Thanks captain," I said. "It was fun."

He grinned at me then. "Hell yeah it was," he agreed. He then patted my shoulder before walking in the direction of his office. Yachiru smiled at me before jumping onto the large man's shoulder.

I breathed in heavily, still trying to catch my breath. "Aki!" a voice yelled. I turned my head into the direction in which it came from, and smiled as I saw Jushiro, Shunsui, Renji, and Rukia making their way to me.

I brought my hand up in greeting and smiled. "Yo!"

Shunsui was the first to reach me. "That was incredible, Aki-chan," he praised. "I know that today is a rather hard day for you, but, Kaien would be proud." His eyes were soft and held truth and understanding in them as he gave me a small smile. "Just as I am."

I smiled. "Thanks, Shunsui," I said with a sad smile. "That means a lot."

Jushiro then spoke up. "Aki, you have gotten so much stronger since you've been in my division," he said with a smile. "You truly are amazing and I am very proud of you." He didn't say anything about today, or my brother and for that, I was thankful.

"Aki," Rukia said. I turned to the small woman and smiled. Her wide, indigo eyes filled with question. "How did you get so strong?" she asked.

"I had a great teacher," I answered as I looked off into the distance. She knew that I was referring to Kaien, and she smiled at me. "Just like him, I wanted to get stronger so that I could protect people from hollows and keep the people I love most, safe." I then looked back at her. "Just like him, I wanted to become as strong as I possibly could."

She smiled back at me in understanding. "We really did have a great teacher," she said. I smiled as I placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked to me and in that moment, Rukia and I understood how much pain we both felt that day, and how far we've come since then. She then nodded her head and followed after Jushiro and Shunsui as they made their way back to their divisions.

All that was left, was Renji and I. He smiled at me, and I smiled back with a small blush on my cheeks. He moved closer and stood right beside me as we made our way to the fourth division so that I could get patched up.

"That was, amazing, Aki," he praised. "The way you held your own against captain Zaraki was just, mind blowing. I wish I was half as strong as you."

"You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, Renji," I said as we continued on our way to fourth. "You train continuously and never give up. You work hard to become the strongest so as to defeat your enemies and reach your goal. The only difference between us, is the fact that I started at a very young age and had a very long time to learn."

Renji nodded in understanding. "Your brother." It was more of a statement than a question and I nodded my head in confirmation. "I'm sorry," he said with a frown as he placed his hand on my shoulder.

We stopped walking and Renji turned me to face him. My eyes were downcast and covered by a black curtain that was my bangs. I felt Renji place a finger under my chin and left my face up so that my eyes met his. Amber orbs gazed into my blue green ones.

"I know that it hurts," he said in a low voice. "But you don't have to fight the pain alone. I'm here for you, Aki. I always have been." He then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him. Much like earlier today, my face was buried in his chest. My hands, that hung limp at my sides, moved up and clutched ahold of Renji's robes.

For so long, I hid my pain from the world. No wound that I ever received in battle could compare to the pain that I've felt in my heart for the past few decades. No hollow was strong enough to cut me deeper than my brother's death. Nothing has ever been able to soothe this pain away. Not the sleepless nights where I drink myself into oblivion, or the fights that I share with my captain, or even the nights when I'm alone and cry myself to sleep.

But Renji's embrace soothed that pain and doused the fire of hatred that I felt for myself.

My eyes filled with unwanted tears that I had held back for so many years from the eyes of those around me. My hands clenched tighter, fisted with Renji's robes. And then, the first tear fell. However, my world grew dark before more could fall, and I fell unconscious in Renji's arms. My exhaustion and blood loss catching up with me.

The last thing I heard was Renji's voice filled with panic and worry as he said my name.

Renji's POV

As I held Aki close to me, I couldn't help but to feel that this was where I belonged. With her in my arms. I knew that she had it hard, after what happened to her brother. I knew that it was hardest on her. I remember the way she acted after it happened.

I was still in the eleventh division and had made it to fourth seat. She had come in that night, soaked from the rain, with blood all over her. Her eyes, usually so happy and full of life, were empty and dull. She dragged her zonpacutou behind her, much like Yachiru did, but it was unsheathed.

I tried so hard to ask her what was wrong and get her to talk to me but she just continued to ignore me as she made her way to the captain's office. She just walked right in and demanded a fight from Kenpachi. He, of course, agreed and they made their way to the training grounds.

I asked her if she was trying to get herself killed. And I'll never forget the way she looked at me that night. Her dull, lifeless eyes boring into my amber ones. The empty and vacant expression on her face as she told me, 'Death is better than this pain.'

I was brought out of my memory of that night when I felt a small bit of moisture land on my chest and soak through my robes. I looked down at Aki with wide eyes as I noticed that she began to cry. However, her eyes then closed heavily as another tear slipped down her cheek, and I felt her beginning to go limp in my arms.

"Aki," I said in worry. She didn't answer me and her body continued to slump. "Hold on, Aki," I told her. I then picked her up in my arms bridal style, and made my way to the fourth division as fast as I could. "Hang on, Aki. I'll make it all better."

Aki POV

I awoke to the sound of voices around me. The room was dimly lit and I could see, through the window next to me that it was dark outside. I knew that I had to have been in the fourth division by the white, sterile, cleanliness of the room.

I groaned as I sat up. Bringing my hand to my side as I winced in pain from the movement. Just as I was about to drape my legs over the side of the bed, light flooded the room and I heard the scolding voice of Renji.

"You're not supposed to be up and at it yet, Aki!" he said in worry as he rushed over to my side. "You used too much energy and lost quite a bit of blood." He then wrapped an arm around my waist before gently laying me back onto the bed.

Just then, Retsu Unohana, captain of squad four, walked in. Her eyes were filled with worry and I knew that she was going to scold me. "Aki," she said in her soft and motherly voice. "This has been the worst that I have ever seen you. I know that today is hard on you and that no matter what I tell you, you will not listen to my orders, but please, try not to come to me like this again."

I looked at the beautiful woman in front of me. Her bright grey eyes boring into my blue-green ones. Worry swirled in the depths of her eyes and I nodded before saying, "Alright, Unohana. I'll be more careful." That seemed to soothe her.

"I would advise that you stay the night, but," she started before turning her back to me and making her way out of the room. "I know that you will not listen. So, you are free to leave." And with that, she was gone, leaving only Renji and I in the room.

We were both silent, before he finally asked, "How do you feel?" I looked into his amber eyes and saw the concern in them.

I smiled at the red head before replying, "I feel great." He smiled back and moved to help me when I went to stand. His arm wrapped around my waist while his free hand held mine tightly. Leaning most of my weight on him, I asked, "Can you help me? There's somewhere that I really need to go."

Renji nodded before we both flash stepped out of squad four and into the thirteenth division. "Why are we here?" he asked as he looked down at me.

I simply kept my gaze forward, toward the courtyard, before answering, "Because my brother is here." Renji nodded in understanding before helping me to walk in the direction of the woods just outside of the division. It was very dark out now, and the skies were overcast, indicating that it would rain.

After about an hour of walking in silence, we stopped. Renji's arm was still around my waist, but he hand let go of my hand. He looked down at me with curious amber eyes. But, I kept my gaze in front of me.

Just then, the rain began to pour from the sky, soaking Renji and I down to the bone. The wind was calm and blew gently around us sending my hair around me. The red head next to me said nothing, but helped me as I began to walk forward once more.

After a moment or two, we finally reached a large tree. In the bark of the tree, two names were carved with a heart around them. Kaien and Miyako. My brother and his wife. They had headstones right underneath the tree. The tree where they first met, when they first kissed, and when he proposed to her.

On Miyako's headstone, was her name. Written beneath it were the words_**; Beloved wife, daughter, friend, and sister. **_Next to her headstone, sat my brother's, Kaien Shiba. Written beneath his name was_**; Beloved brother, strong leader, mentor, friend, and hero. **_

I felt Renji's grip on my side tighten just the slightest before he unwrapped his arm from my waist. I looked at him in curiosity through the thin sheet of rain as if continued its assault on us. His amber eyes were soft and understanding and he had a small smile on his face as he spoke.

"I'm just give you a minute of privacy," he said. "I'll be right over here." He pointed to a small patch of trees to the right of us.

However, just as he was about to turn around and walk away, I grabbed his hand in mine. He stopped from the sudden action, slightly shocked. I was shocked myself by my actions. I had always been alone on this day. I have never shared this with anyone. Not Rukia. Not even Jushiro. But I was willing to share this with Renji. Because, much like my brother and his wife, I had given my heart to this man.

I wanted Renji here with me. I wanted to open up and share my pain with him. I wanted him to hold me and comfort me with kind words. I wanted him to know everything that I was feeling and I wanted him to ease my pain. Because, only Renji could do that.

"Stay with me," I whispered. I looked deep into his amber eyes as they locked onto my blue-green ones. "Please, don't make me suffer this alone anymore."

Renji's slightly shocked expression softened and he gave me a small smile before wrapping me into his arms. The warmth that radiated from him shielded me from the chill of the rain as he held me. His arms were wound tightly, yet gently, around my shoulders as he lay his head atop mine.

My arms had wound around his middle as I placed my head on his chest, right over his heart. I gripped the fabric of his shihakushou tightly in my hands, trying desperately to hold back my tears.

"You can cry, Aki. I won't tell anyone and this way, you'll know that you can come to me for anything," he said. "I'll always be here for you. I hate seeing you in so much pain." He then kissed the top of my head, and that was all it took for my tears to fall.

One after the other, mixing with the rain, my tears fell. The pent up sadness, the emptiness, and the self-hatred that I have felt for so many years flowed free from my body with each new tear that fell. I no longer felt angry or broken. I still felt sad, but not the immense sadness that I did. I felt lighter.

I cried and cried. I screamed and yelled at nothing, and Renji stayed with me through it all. He never once let me go and held me the entire time. He would whisper soothing words of comfort to me and would rub soothing circles on my back.

Renji's POV

Aki's tears flowed heavily down her cheeks. Each one mixing with the rain. Her body shook with wracking sobs and she was breathing heavily. I had never seen Aki cry before, and it broke my heart. She's the strongest person I know. She never showed her inner turmoil to anyone. Yet, here she was, in my arms, crying.

I continued to hold her, never once letting her go, as she cried. I let her cry and scream and yell at nothing to her heart's content. I let her burry her face into my chest with each new wave of fresh tears that fell from her beautiful, blue-green eyes.

I stood out in the rain with her, rubbing her back and whispering soothing words into her ear. Telling her not to blame herself, that she would be alright, and that everything would be alright. I held her through the rain storm, and continued to hold her even when it stopped.

Aki's POV

After I had finally stopped crying and calmed down, Renji and I were still stood in front of the headstones underneath the tree. The rain had stopped by now, but we were both soaked. However, neither of us seemed to care as we just continued to hold one another.

"Do you feel better?" Renji asked after a moment of silence. I nodded against his chest and I felt him chuckle lightly. "I'm glad."

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling slightly embarrassed over my little breakdown. "I know that it was probably really awkward for you to have to stand here and hold me like a child."

The red head's grip on my only tightened as he spoke. "Not at all," he said. He then leaned down and looked at me. A small smile was tugging at his lips and I smiled in return. "There's a smile!"

I laughed at him while shaking my head and pulling away. I then reached up to wipe my eyes of the remaining tears, but Renji's hand grabbed mine and pulled it away. He then brought up his free hand and wiped them away for me. I knew that I was blushing by now, and that he could see, and feel it as well.

A smile tugged the corners of his lips upward as he cupped my cheek in his hand, his thumb rubbing the smooth flesh beneath it. "I like it when you blush," he said, a blush of his own accumulating on his cheeks. The blush on my face only intensified as I smile slightly. "I like it when you smile, too."

I looked into Renji's amber orbs and inched my face slightly closer to his. He began to mirror my action and soon, we were nose to nose. I could feel his warm breath and it ghosted over my lips. Our eyes then closed as inched slightly closer, closing the gap between us and sharing a sweet and loving kiss.

As his lips moved in sync with mine, I felt my heart flutter as he pulled me flush against him. His hands moved to hold my hips and mine wrapped around his broad shoulders. I felt so much love and passion coming from Renji, and I hoped that he felt the same coming from me as I put everything I felt into this one kiss.

However, air became an issue, and we pulled apart. Breathing heavily, Renji leaned his forehead against mine and smiled. "I love you, Renji," I said in a breathy whisper.

His smile broadened before he said, "I love you too, Aki." He then placed another quick kiss on my lips before pulling away and saying, "You never have to suffer in silence again because now, you have me."

"Yeah," I said with a grin. "I do." And with that, I kissed him again. All of the pain that I had felt for so long, melting away. And I knew that Renji's words were true. I would never suffer in silence again.


End file.
